I have been wanting to share this particular experience of mine, but every time I started to write, I will stop half way; because I will start shaking, and tears will start to flow. It was my dark moment. I decided to share, now that I have achieved my short-term goal. and I hope somehow, this story will inspire someone out there.
So here it goes.
I was not born a genius. I was not even a favorite student in school. But I am a very determine person. For me, I MUST to get what I want. So, when big exams are around the corner, I will put extra efforts. So, praise to Allah, UPSR, PMR and SPM were good. Alhamdulillah.
But it did not happen that way for my IB Diploma exam. (if it sounds alien, please Google on IB Diploma). I did not meet the minimum requirement for my exam, so I was not allowed to go to UK like how I have planned it. I was devastated as that was the first time I failed terribly. Yes, TERRIBLY. I moped around, cried, refused to eat, for weeks. I was shattered, my heart broke into pieces, that until now, as I am writing this, I am still shaking. I lost 10 kilos in one month. My personality changed, my emotion changed 180, and suddenly I developed allergy towards certain types of cloth. It was REALLY HARD to accept that I have FAILED. I questioned everything. What went wrong? Where did I do wrong? They say what matter is the effort, but didn’t I work hard? Why me? Why me? WHY ME? I questioned everything, and myself, over and over.
Remember the lyrics “Every step I’m taking’, Every move I make feels lost with no direction, My faith is shaking’” from Miley Cyrus’ ‘The Climb’?
Yes, that was me. I was just LOST, I fell that I did not know how to pick myself up.
Very demotivating right? That was how bad the impact of that event had on my life. and I do not want to go through that phase ever again. My dark moment.
When I failed, all I think about was me. I did not realized how worried my families and my friends were. My friends, my cousins, relatives, texted me to ensure I was fine, or if I needed any helps in any ways. And my family, was there, all along. I failed to realized and seized that moment. That was my biggest regret.
Life did not get any easier when I came to The States. My first semester there, I worked extra hard that I forgot to enjoy life, just because I was so afraid of failure. That fears of not being able to stand up ever again, really hit me. I was afraid I will lose myself again. So first semester, I focused on my study. Only study.
My first semester, I did not get 3.00 CGPA as required by my sponsor, despite all my hard-work. I was on my road trip when the results were out.
However, to my surprised, I took it extremely well. I enjoyed the rest of my road trips without thinking of my results. and when I came back home from the trip, I started to embrace my new life, at a new place. I applied for part-time job, I made friends, I went to the gym, and I did other activities than just study. I took it differently that before.
My dark moment was indeed, a life-changing moment. I began to embrace things, to see things in different ways, in different perspectives. and most importantly, to see things in POSITIVE WAYS.
Yes, I failed. So what? I have become someone who is even more determine to get what I want. Trust me, when I told people I wanted to further my Masters Degree in UK few years back, people questioned, why? For what? Why not Malaysia? Why do you want to further Masters? and what are you going to do with your master?
Then I decided to embark on the MBA journey. When I started my MBA in Malaysia, of course, I received endless supports, as well as doubts that I can finish my study with my status (mother, wife, full-time employee).
This time, I ignored those negative vibes. What matter is that I DON’T question myself, and my ability. I know once I started to question myself, that’s it! I will never go any further.
I learned to always embrace people around me, especially those who were there through thick and thin. Keep them close to your heart. Another thing is, if you don’t have any positive thing to say, just don’t say anything. Your words, might be a cause to someone’s failure, or success.
I rarely share this with people because it was so painful to remember those moments. But I want people to know, that nothing can beat you, unless you admit that you are beaten. and yes, that phrase “Nothing is impossible, because I’m possible,” is true. After all, you are the one who make things possible. So whenever failures hit you, just take your time, but not too long because you might not be able to come out from the darkness.
Always remember that YOU determine your definition of success
Love, Hana.
Magical Realism 